lately I've felt funny

Things aren't sitting right, and things are certainly not what I would have expected. But you take joy where you find it, right? And it is joy, I know that much is true. But now it's fraught and tempered with the afterward expectations and all I really expect is to keep having the best conversations I've had in months and laughing so hard that beer comes out my nose. I don't expect to be avoided. I don't expect to still be having bad dreams, don't expect in sleep to be reminded why I'm worthless. That could stop any time now, please. And I don't respect the feeling of being afraid to say anything here because history has taught me that people judge, hold judgements, late at night, keeping score on an invisible scoreboard to say "see? she must be a whore, she's talking about a boy," some 7 months after the fact. Yes it's a boy and yes he makes me laugh and no I never expected to like him but the truth of the matter is that I just do. Ok? That's about all.