bc did me wonders

I've been talking and thinking a lot lately about wanting things to be better for me, and trying to personally challenge my comfort levels and maybe make the box I've made for myself just a wee bit bigger (or a lot). It's one thing to want a lot of space and it's another thing to have trouble leaving the house. I've spent a long time insulating my little nest and mostly it's left me lonely. So I was nervous and unsure how 7 straight days of being not in my own space and at the mercy of other people's space would leave me. But it left me lovely. I don't know how to explain it but this trip to BC was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. It was probably the best trip I've ever had. And I felt awesome and strong and comfortable and good and more sure of myself than I have in a long long time.

Vancouver is nutso packed full of all sorts of people who don't speak to the person beside them and trip over each other on their way to somewhere else. It took me a while to perfect the "stare into nothing" gaze. And as much as I'm an advocate for public transit the bus system there nearly made me crazy. The sky train is great and accessible and good, but the buses are packed to the gills and lurchy and slow, and the skytrain only runs till 1am for some godforsaken reason. We drank downtown on Granville Street the night before I left and I ended up springing for a $30 cab ride back to Burnaby rather than endure 2 hours on a 3am bus. My sanity is worth $30. I was really only in Vancouver for 2.5 days, so didn't do as much as I would have liked but I got all the basics down. Got some gear in Chinatown where I turned the corner and ran into Stephen Fearing at a little fan shop (paper, not mechanical). I played it cool though and didn't even say hi. Walked down Hastings and looked at the junkies. Ate a delicious falafel, which is my indicator that I'm in a big city. And went and saw some bad strippers cuz the blues club wanted to charge $12 cover. Strippers and greasy falafel, the 2 things we can't get in Saskatchewan. How odd.

Saltspring, oh Saltspring. It's redneck hippie good truck driving bonfire singing beer drinking muddy boot wearing goodness. Fuck did I love it there. Kim's house was so damn cosy and nice, and it was so good to see where and with whom she spends her days. She's got the best of all worlds I think, running water and electric heat AND a wood stove. Lucky girl. Beats the "if you need to wipe yourself there's a pile of leaves" life. Don't laugh, someone actually did say that to me.

Spent 5 hours at Tut and Dot's house on tuesday with their daughter Debbie. It was hard, but he didn't look as bad as I feared he might. Talked and laughed and had dinner and watched some DVD's of their 50th wedding anniversary last summer. And watched him take morphine every hour on the hour. And when it was time to say goodbye I lost it after fighting back tears for a while and just started bawling. And felt like such an asshole. I didn't need to make a big scene, I really didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I love them both so much, and I don't know what she will do when he dies, and I can't even really help them being so far away. Tut told me some jokes though like he always did and I told him a few right back and got him giggling. And they told me that I did him a world of good coming to visit. I hope that's the truth.

So in conclusion, I really do feel stronger and more comfortable and bigger than the pile of worries that can grow when you hibernate for too long. I'm really great the way that I am, and I shouldn't worry about it so much. I also don't need 1/2 as much space and/or 3/4 as much sleep as I think and have trained myself to believe. Been trying to challenge that one for a while too. Thanks be for everything on that trip. Thanks be.