the unbearable lightness of being

"What are you thinking of, Tomas?"
"I am thinking of how happy I am."


And what with the blunders,
what with the real humour of the address,
the end is sure to be attained,
that of roarous fun in the roused hamlet of mountain village
which pours forth their whole population
in a swarm round the orator,
down to the baby that can but just tottle
and the curs that join in the clamour,
mad with ecstasy at the novelty of some noise
besides that of trees and the horrible clatter of grass...

We talked of things but all the time
we wanted each other
and finally we were silent and
I knelt above your body

a closing of eyes
and falling unfalteringly
over a warm pure country and
something crying

when I was a child things
being hurt made me sorry
for them but it seemed the
way men and women did and
we had not made the world

coming into it crying
(I wanted so not to hurt you)
and going out of it like a sudden
pouring of salt

later, being tired and overflowing
with tenderness
girl's body to boy's body lying
there and wondering what
it had been
we got to our feet very
quietly so that they would
not waken but we felt their
shy sorrowful look on us as
we left them alone there.

All things are one to the earth
rayless as a blind leper Blake
lies with everyman
and the fat lord sleeps beside
his bastard at last
and it doesn't matter
it doesn't mean what we
think it does
for we two shall never lie there
we shall not be there when
death reaches out his
sparkling hands

there are so many little
dyings that it doesn't matter
which one of them is death.

~ Kenneth Patchen

what the fuck?

There's someone killed a block away from my house before 8pm and there's no mention of it on the hour and a half of newscasts that I watch from 10:30-midnight tonight? Hello?

pilfered

White Dwarf

This is for people who disappear
for those who descend into the code
and make their room a fridge for Superman
--who exhaust costume and bones that could perform flight,
who shave their moral so raw
they can tear themselves through the eye of a needle
this is for those people
that hover and hover
and die in the ether peripheries

There is my fear
of no words of
falling without words
over and over of
mouthing the silence
Why do I love most
among my hereos those
who sail to that perfect edge
where there is no social fuel
Release of sandbags
to understand their altitude

--that silence of the third cross
3rd man hung so high and lonely
we don't hear him say
say his pain, say his unbrotherhood
What has he to do with the smell of ladies
can they eat off his skeleton of pain?

The Gurkhas in Malaya
cut the tongues of mules
so they were silent beasts of burden
in enemy territories
after such cruelty what could they speak of anyway
And Dashiell Hammett in success
suffered conversation and moved
to the perfect white between the words

This white that can grow
is fridge, bed,
is an egg --most beautiful
when unbroken, where
what we cannot see is growing
in all the colours we cannot see

there are those burned out stars
who implode into silence
after parading in the sky
after such choreography what would they wish to speak of anyway

~ Michael Ondaatje

(ed. note ~ I've been looking for a poem to put up for a while now, and happened upon this one last night, and it fits. Nice one.)

sex-based cults and legislating sin

"President Bush cautioned against placing too much importance on the upcoming one-year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster." Wonder what he would make of Spike Lee's 4 hour documentary (that should be airing tonight)?

"F.D.A. representative Dr. Janet Woodcock said that selling the Plan B contraceptive over the counter would transform it into an 'urban legend' that would tempt adolescents to create 'sex-based cults.' Katherine Harris, a candidate for the U.S. Senate in Florida, told a Baptist newspaper that 'if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin.' A new survey concluded that half of all evangelical Christian men are addicted to pornography."

goodbye august

Went to a small-town wedding in Delisle last night. It was great and full of life and love. And classy, like the bride pulling drink tickets out of her cleavage to hand to us. And $1.50 drinks. And she was beautiful and happy and glowing and excited. It was so nice to see.

What else? The Lady in the Water is great, despite its poor reviews. Paul Giamatti's stutter was killing me. And I can't believe I didn't recognize Freddy Rodriguez from Six Feet Under right off the bat, I only knew that I knew him from somewhere and couldn't place it. I've got some big decisions to make at work. Raises should be coming soon. I'm arrogant when it comes to my department, and wonder what would happen if I left. Had a good visit with a pal friday evening and left (half-cut and) grateful for someone so smart and "spiritual", for lack of a better word. You gotta love it when the world makes more sense after talking to someone. I keep dreaming of bugs. Last night it was like an afghan dog snake thing, with long hair and a long and winding body. I looked out my kitchen window yesterday and saw the craziest spider in its web right there. Apparently it's harmless, but man is it ugly and huge.

featuring sting

waiter, there's a fly in my soup

Plagued by spiders, our fearless heroine captures 2 big meaty ones and humanely sets them free in the yard. She then goes to take a sip of water after the gym and is confronted by the enemy...

like a record baby

In the awesome and cyclical nature of things
it's been decided that I am cheap and deceitful again
or for always, depending on how you look at it.

I don't deserve this judgement, really,
cuz I been getting it on with my couch pillows
sending love notes to my house
caressing the remote like a lover.

I guess that's what you get when you tell someone you want to be with them forever.
Correction, I guess that's what I get. No more, no less,
than criticism and silence.

where's waldo? who cares?
where's the one that tries to trust me?
I'm being painted with the same brush
with its 2 years of hardening bristles
you'd think I'd have learnt some new tricks by now
if I really was an illusionist.

we're still going strong

Happy anniversary, house of mine. It's been 2 years since we met and got serious. Thanks for taking care of me, keeping me safe, warm, and dry. Thanks for the hot showers and long baths, the sound sleeps and brilliant dreams. Thank you for the porch windows and the living room nook, the green tiled kitchen and the jungle yard. I love you despite your idiosyncrasies. I mostly love you because of them, too.

feist, camera, action

Not sure why I didn't have my camera with me when I was watching Feist last night, enjoying the band from a fold-out chair stationed directly behind the stage. I was tired and cold, with a back sore from standing, so when I noticed the lone chair in the middle of the grass it seemed like a sign, and damn it, it would have been so perfect for pictures. Nice light, full view, no one around me. We drove back afterwards, got home at 3am all blinky-eyed and mute. She was wearing her grandmother's shoes, since her family was all from Regina, and who the hell knew that her old daycare was at the place across the street from the park? Crazy. TOFU rocked too. Steve Earle was solo and mellow. Lazerblade made me admit that there is wee part of me that enjoys disco dancing. And the pumpkin soup from Thai Kitchen that my mom's friend Wendy had (whose place we stayed at) was delicious.

And now? Return to routine, please. No seriously, I mean it bad.

fire snakes

My summer vacation that left me feeling faded
I want no part of the crowds and no part of the mayhem
just feel like drinking a bottle of wine in a graveyard
appreciating the dead for their silence
and their well-maintained lawns.

If anything we are all older and it's a shame that he met me then
the beginning, messy middle, and end of inflation
and time moves so slowly when you're trying to spend it,
more slowly than money can stay stuck in my fingers.

Late night heart talks mean more than this does.
The ability to speak without speaking
and the cliches that fall out of my mouth when I do.

Paid $12 for the Ferris Wheel last night to show Kim the skyline
and hello, visa, what you knowing?
I've come to watch your interest growing.

good thing I'm feeling anti-social

"Valid during several days: At this time your avenues of communication with others are stabilized and solidified. Also you will probably create a set of fully formulated goals and expectations for the next several years. Therefore it is very important to take this time very seriously and be very aware of what you are doing, because the patterns that you establish now will be very hard to alter and will determine the success or failure of your relationships over the next several years. It is very important to learn other people's views of you as a human being and as a member of society. But this does not mean you should take everyone's words at face value and deny all your own beliefs. You may have an exaggerated respect for someone else's views and give them more credence than they are worth. You should simply talk to the people whom you personally respect and use what they say to help you come to conclusions about yourself. Older people may be especially helpful in this process. Because of the weighty concerns that are occupying your mind at this point in your life, you will prefer serious work and the company of serious people. Of course, at times you will want to relax and enjoy yourself, but generally this is a period when discipline, organization and growth are your paramount concerns. If you don't handle this influence well, you will have considerable difficulty with your relationships in the years to come. And these difficulties will be the result of unfortunate patterns established now. The border between discipline and habit is often hard to distinguish, but that is precisely the difference that you have to keep in mind at this time. Habit is mindless and unconscious, whereas discipline is self-imposed and suited to achieving your goals."

Thanks, astro.com.

lonely girls and heavy blankets

Wow, the things you find when you're searching for spinach photos...

Death Cab for Cutie was on Austin City Limits last night. They sound great live, I wasn't sure if they could pull off the lushness without production but it was great. They were all completely consumed by the music, bopping and shaking and sweating and rocking. Beautiful. Kim comes into town tonight from Saltspring Island, and is going to try to convince me to go to Regina Folk Festival with her which I suddenly find myself not giving a shit about after months of being excited. I can't afford it, and it would mean missing Di's birthday, + the thought of spending 3 days surrounded by crowds is making me sick. So? Maybe I'll stay home and send her since she's got a guest pass. Jerk!

weasel and the white boys cool

Spent last night in a time-warp, the only thing being that I'm fatter than I was before, but it was mostly the same, same rock 'n roll band that I loved when I was 20, same crowd of regulars, same feeling that none of them give a shit about me, really. There's a big part of me that is so glad to be away from all that. Did see some good ol' boys, some old roomates and girlfriends, enquired after lent lost songwriter CD's and headed home feeling pretty fed up with it all. They've never changed the carpet, which once held a pattern, but your feet still stick to the black muck and intentions are still selfish. I did my first volunteer shift at the Fringe last night - and I'll tell you this story cuz I was quite ready to get in a fight with this guy. Picture this - stringy old tank top with well-worn black leather vest over top (so damn hot), bad fitting shorts, mullet & ball cap, maybe even a moustache. We start serving beers and I notice he's using his fingers to crack the tops. "You're not supposed to use your fingers", says I, "you need to use a spoon or something instead". "Yeah, I know," says he, "I don't fucking care." Ok well - "Umm, it's a health law, dude. Use a spoon." "Listen," he says, "I used to be the bar manager here 10 years ago and we always used our fingers, so I'm not using anything but," and turns away. Then I watch as he takes a giant handful of sunflower seeds and starts picking the empty shells out of his mouth with the same fucking fingers that he's cracking beers with. So his lovely SPIT COVERED HANDS are touching your drink, ladies and gentlemen. If you go to the beer gardens please find someone else to serve your drinks or better yet, complain loudly.

what the world needs now

Is a downloadable Raffi song for peace. A-motherfucking-men.

the boys of baraka

We have it so easy. We really do. As white, North American 30-something's we know that pretty much anything we could ever want to do is possible with just a little bit of work. We don't know what it's like to be discriminated against, or hated, or to just plain have the odds stacked against you since birth. So this documentary I watched last night was about 20 grade 7 boys from Baltimore who get hand selected to spend 2 years in a remote boarding school in Kenya. Apparently Baltimore is a huge ghetto town, who knew? Stats from the movie report that 78% of black males from Baltimore do not graduate from high-school, let alone university. One of the teachers in the flick tells them their three options as a black man ~ jail, death, or last and definitely the least popular, university. So anyways they take these 20 kids for 2 years to Kenya, work a lot on grades and interpersonal conflict resolution, and hope to hell that this has done enough, and changed the kids somewhere deep inside enough to make them realize that if they want to get out of the cycle, they need to finish high-school and hopefully go to college as well. Trouble is in the movie that when the kids come back for summer holidays after the 1st year, war breaks out in Kenya and they're not allowed back for their 2nd year. And they're all speechless. And incredibly let down. And it reminds me of a conversation I had a long time ago where I realized that people only know what they're taught. So you can't come in and make judgements against any kind of people without changing the scope of their knowledge, right? That group of girls over there who keep having kids at 15 years old? That's what they know. That's what their moms did, their grandmas did, their aunts did, their friends do. And the men that fuck them and leave? Ditto. Reminds of a joke I heard a couple of weeks ago ~ guy says "I'm tired of the 'leave-behind' game that we all play when we're ending a relationship. You know what I mean, when you 'leave-behind' something so that you're guaranteed to see that person again? Yeah, women will leave behind a pair of panties, some earrings, something like that. With men it's a son or a daughter."