by the way

John Mayer has an awesome blog. I recently put a link in the sidebar over there --->. You should read it.

bc did me wonders

I've been talking and thinking a lot lately about wanting things to be better for me, and trying to personally challenge my comfort levels and maybe make the box I've made for myself just a wee bit bigger (or a lot). It's one thing to want a lot of space and it's another thing to have trouble leaving the house. I've spent a long time insulating my little nest and mostly it's left me lonely. So I was nervous and unsure how 7 straight days of being not in my own space and at the mercy of other people's space would leave me. But it left me lovely. I don't know how to explain it but this trip to BC was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. It was probably the best trip I've ever had. And I felt awesome and strong and comfortable and good and more sure of myself than I have in a long long time.

Vancouver is nutso packed full of all sorts of people who don't speak to the person beside them and trip over each other on their way to somewhere else. It took me a while to perfect the "stare into nothing" gaze. And as much as I'm an advocate for public transit the bus system there nearly made me crazy. The sky train is great and accessible and good, but the buses are packed to the gills and lurchy and slow, and the skytrain only runs till 1am for some godforsaken reason. We drank downtown on Granville Street the night before I left and I ended up springing for a $30 cab ride back to Burnaby rather than endure 2 hours on a 3am bus. My sanity is worth $30. I was really only in Vancouver for 2.5 days, so didn't do as much as I would have liked but I got all the basics down. Got some gear in Chinatown where I turned the corner and ran into Stephen Fearing at a little fan shop (paper, not mechanical). I played it cool though and didn't even say hi. Walked down Hastings and looked at the junkies. Ate a delicious falafel, which is my indicator that I'm in a big city. And went and saw some bad strippers cuz the blues club wanted to charge $12 cover. Strippers and greasy falafel, the 2 things we can't get in Saskatchewan. How odd.

Saltspring, oh Saltspring. It's redneck hippie good truck driving bonfire singing beer drinking muddy boot wearing goodness. Fuck did I love it there. Kim's house was so damn cosy and nice, and it was so good to see where and with whom she spends her days. She's got the best of all worlds I think, running water and electric heat AND a wood stove. Lucky girl. Beats the "if you need to wipe yourself there's a pile of leaves" life. Don't laugh, someone actually did say that to me.

Spent 5 hours at Tut and Dot's house on tuesday with their daughter Debbie. It was hard, but he didn't look as bad as I feared he might. Talked and laughed and had dinner and watched some DVD's of their 50th wedding anniversary last summer. And watched him take morphine every hour on the hour. And when it was time to say goodbye I lost it after fighting back tears for a while and just started bawling. And felt like such an asshole. I didn't need to make a big scene, I really didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I love them both so much, and I don't know what she will do when he dies, and I can't even really help them being so far away. Tut told me some jokes though like he always did and I told him a few right back and got him giggling. And they told me that I did him a world of good coming to visit. I hope that's the truth.

So in conclusion, I really do feel stronger and more comfortable and bigger than the pile of worries that can grow when you hibernate for too long. I'm really great the way that I am, and I shouldn't worry about it so much. I also don't need 1/2 as much space and/or 3/4 as much sleep as I think and have trained myself to believe. Been trying to challenge that one for a while too. Thanks be for everything on that trip. Thanks be.

200 pictures of bush

Saltspring Island was like cold mountain water on a hot hot day, like your favouritist-EVER pair of blue jeans, like the most comfortable childhood memory of joy. I can't say enough about how good it was. I really can't. How lovely and cozy and comfortable and refreshing and grounding and fun and fantastic. 10 years ago I probably would have packed up and moved there. There's over 200 pictures of rainforest jungle bush on my camera, but that's gonna wait till I get home.

city and country

I'm off to BC tomorrow for 8 glorious days of no snow and green grass and ocean breezes. 4 days in Vancouver for some shopping and people watching, and 4 days on Saltspring Island for home grown vegetables and big belly laughs. I think it is just what the doctor ordered. I'm also going to see, and quite literally say my goodbyes to, my great uncle Tut. He and his wife Dot (I'm not joking) pretty much saved my hide when I mistakenly moved out to Vancouver when I was 18 and found myself sleeping on a couch in some dude's basement. My best friend's boyfriend's brother's friend who was dying of aids. Yep. I was promised we had a place to live so I hopped on the greyhound and moved out there with her and woke up the 2nd morning to her boyfriend telling me I had to leave... so I called up my great aunt and uncle who I hadn't seen since I was 5 and they put me up for 2 months and fed me lots of fruit salad and we sang songs around their player piano and I stayed with them till I found somewhere good to go. I will forever be grateful for that, and them. It's gonna be hard. He's really dying. This trip will be full of life in every darn sense of the word.

hey I'm 34!

And in honour of my day of birth I give you some of my favourite pictures from when I was a kid. I think 34 is going to be good. I figure it's got to be better than 33, what a weird year that was. A lot of disappointment was had. Like, a LOT. I've really questioned my beliefs in "karma" and getting back what you give out, and I don't want to live like that. I really don't. It's time for things to go my way. And to have as much fun as I'm having in that 1st picture. And so tonight we're going to party like it's 1978!

you can't spell PARTY without PA

Lo, people, I'm in PA for work. Doing the fancy hotel thing, the diggin' the small town office thing, the being somewhere different thing. Last night at the gas station I got asked if I had a treaty card. It made me giggle. In a good way.

stephens

A long time ago I had a boyfriend who loved me so much that he wrote and recorded a beautiful instrumental guitar piece for me. It was supposed to be a birthday present for my 30th birthday. He threw it out of the window driving one day around that time because he was mad at me for falling asleep, nay, passing out with my feet in another man's lap at that very birthday party. I spent a long while walking up and down the street that he said he discarded it on, and never did find it. I was a bit nervous that I might see him tonight at the loft show, but instead I saw another ex-girlfriend of his and chatted amicably in the bathroom like I never kissed him while she was away, like she didn't know that I longed for him the whole time they were together, like I never heard horror stories of what she did to him, and vice versa.

The show tonight was every bit as good as this photo. I was one of the youngest ones in attendance, but I also ran into a cool girl I know and we sat together since we both went alone. I told her if she ever wanted to be the youngest ones in the audience for anything else to give me a call. And bonus round of not knowing that Oh Susannah was opening for Stephen Fearing, she was beautiful too and I got to tell her that the old girl band I was in covered one of her tunes back in the day. Today was a 17 hour day in the life of nicola, and every single bit of it was good.

all I want for christmas

No no, not christmas, I'm talking about my impending 34th birthday of course. I'm compiling a wish list, and it goes a little something like this:

I wanna wig. Rumour has it there's some goth store down by Shopper's on 22nd that has a good selection for fairly cheap? Something super sassy. And decent quality.

I want a new pipe. (who reads this thing? not my mother, that's for sure). I've been using the same one (albeit sporadically) for over 10 years, and its fimo design is blackened and sick. Gross.

I want cold hard cash to celebrate with in Vancouver and Saltpspring Island. Cuz nothing says "gee I care about you" more than paper money. Whee!

I want a man! Eurythmics style, people! Someone not too boring who likes west side dive bars and will take me dancing. A good cook and a good conversationalist and ooh could he be funny and cute and quirky too? Just putting that out there.

Last but most definitely not least I want everyone who feels like coming to join me for the birthday celebrations on March 15th. We're playing Naughty Bingo at the annual fundraiser for the Free Flow Modern Dance company. Don't be intimidated by the dildos and drag queens. It's all good.

slippin' slippin' slippin'

As much as I love my job, every once in a while I start to feel like this - like some automaton following the predestined pattern of 40hrs a week at the office with everything else taking 2nd place. Wake up, drink some coffee, eat some breakfast, pack a lunch, drive to work, spend the majority of my day in a room with other automatons, drive home, deal with making some dinner and planning lunch for the next day, relax for a couple of hours, go to sleep, rinse and repeat 5 out of 7 days of the week. On the days off, sleep in a bit, lounge around a bit, socialize a bit, don't get done everything that needs to get done, and start all over again. Of the 168 hours in a week one quarter are spent working, one quarter or more are spent sleeping, leaving approximately 70 hours a week to eat and well, live. That doesn't seem like enough. I would love to do some more travelling, but don't have enough holidays accrued to really do it. And I can't really afford it either, which makes no sense cuz I work all the damn time. But I feel like time is slipping by, and there's things I want to do before I get much older, and I'm not sure how people do it. How do you balance spending the majority of your waking hours working for someone else and making sure you are not wasting your precious time?

all in the family

Man, my relatives are weird. This might explain a lot about me.