adieu adieu adieu

There is more than one way to end a relationship. And I chose to do it with cheese. I figured it wasn't completely fair to dump me after mostly knowing me on a 3 week cleanse, we didn't do the things that couples do when they're learning about each other like dinners out and drinks at the pub, I was married to my green tea bags for the entire time and reading ingredient labels like they were the gospel. So I asked for one last date and, after much discussion, got it. There was cheese a-plenty and crackers a-plenty and wine wine wine. 8 glasses left me obliterated and asking for details in the morning. I cried, big surprise, but it was a good night and I'm more than glad that it happened and now I will resume the search for someone who actually thinks that I am the cat's pyjamas. Cuz really, do I want anything less?

short and sweet

It's been a long time since I liked so much about somebody. Man, the check list, it was heavy full of red check marks saying "pass pass pass pass do not stop at go do not collect $200". But what's to build on? We want different places. And that's just too damn bad.

Me? I been on enough bad blind dates to make a movie of. I've lost count. There was really bad teeth guy and transformers poster guy and new appliances guy and oh moving out in the middle of the night guy and I'm sure a few more in there. I'm so tired of trying to find someone to like me. That's what it really comes down to. I ain't so bad. Anyone?

Burlesque class kicked some fucking ASS tonight and the show is going to be HOT and I got some seriously good kicks for it too. And I've always hated Tegan and Sara but I can't get enough of them right now and Paramore and girls screaming with crunchy guitars.

days 7 - 15

It's weird ~ one thing that I feel doing this detox is fat. It's like my insides are getting healthy and my outside is not, and it's making me uncomfortable and more than a little pissed off that I haven't lost a single pound unlike everyone saying I would. I know I'm super sedentary right now and I'm sure that doesn't help but I've had ZERO empty carbs in the last 2 weeks and basically have been eating nothing but healthy things day in and day out. I don't get it. Maybe my body is hoarding all the fat thinking that I'm starving? Does that even make sense? I'm usually pretty comfortable with myself and certainly don't think that every woman should have to be the same skinny size, but it's been bugging me quite a bit lately. Maybe it's being naked in front of someone again. Yep.

tits till tuesday

via a softer world

to-do list # 258

~ get a damn haircut!

~ sort through junk room and get rid of most everything in it.

~ ship some clothes to abigail road.

~ make space in the junk room for the treadmill I'm stealing from my mom.

~ find some kind of skimpy sexy PINK outfit for group number #2 for the Valentine's Day Show. I just got the RED outfit for group number #1 all put together, and that took months what with the ruched satin corset and petticoat. And now pink? pink? PINK?

~ find pink or white girly shoes to go with aboveforementioned outfit.

~ buy more: frozen berries avocado bananas red peppers mangoes mushrooms etc.

~ keep trying to find some liquid Vitamin A. No luck thus far.

~ enjoy my 4 days off this weekend.

~ continue being fabulous.

days 3 - 6

Day 3 was rough, hoo boy was it rough. I left work in a clammy hot sweat with guts a-writhing and immediately fell asleep on the couch. Felt a bit better, ate some dinner, went to a pals place and watched a movie and had to go home with a sore stomach again. Spent most of day 4 in my pyjamas at home and only left to buy MORE groceries, bringing my grand total to $260 in 5 days, and going out to watch Sweeney Todd with his namesake. I'm starting to feel a bit better, a bit stronger, but I still don't feel as much difference as I think I should. I should feel amazing with all the good eats I've been eating and all the vitamins being shoved down my throat, but maybe I'm still adjusting and next week will feel awesome. All I know is that I'm surprisingly not really bothered by the lack of caffeine or gluten.. I want some cheese pretty badly but there's still lots of delicious things to be consumed. Ooh and most everything coming out of me is bright yellow... it could be all the vitamins, or it could be the high concentration of mangoes and yams that I've been eating. Either way it's pretty amusing. And sun-shiny.

Faithless

The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits. . .

Matthew Arnold


By mid-July I'm tired of the mountains.
I want to be near the sea,
walk beside it for an hour or two,
watch it cleaning the wounds of the shore.
Such persistence—though we know
there isn't a plan, just this
going back over the same places,
revising everything out.
"Is there a way to win?"
Jane Greer asks Robert Mitchum
in Out of the Past. "Well," he says,
"There's a way to lose more slowly."
He knows he shouldn't trust her,
and he doesn't care. Ah, Matthew Arnold,
our lovers are more melancholy than yours,
more desperate, more faithless.
"You can't help anything you do,"
Mitchum tells her at the end.
Which is what he might have told himself.
But nobody ever sees how far
the things we shouldn't feel can take us.
I just want to walk along the shore
for an hour, watch the waves
rearranging whatever they can.
I like the way the sea encourages me
to think about the past,
as if I could leave it where it is:
the moon on the water, the stars
that gleam and are gone.

~ Lawrence Raab

day two

For some reason I was up way too late for the 7am alarm clock this morning. Rushed rice milk with meal replacement for breakfast. Almonds and avocado for snacking. My favourite morrocan mint green tea. Black beans and rice crackers and my brown rice honey garlic stirfry for lunch (SO GOOD!). It filled me up for hours and hours. But I seem to be having a huge problem with the hour between 2:30-3:30, I am so tired that I can barely focus or keep my eyes open and could quite easily put my head down on the desk and fall asleep. I think that's the coffee addiction kicking in, but I'm a little surprised that shortly after a healthy lunch I just want to nap hard. Instead of drinking coffee I've been getting up from the desk and jumping around and swinging my arms and such. Everyone knows I'm doing this, so no one even thinks twice, it's good. After work I went to Costco and spent another $85 on food, bringing my grand total up to $220 in the last 3 days. Which blows my mind. How can healthy stuff cost so damn much? But I got more almonds and salmon fillets and turkey sausage and a huge bag of frozen berries and tons more veggies. Still can't find any pesto that doesn't have parmesan or soy oil in it, fuckers. Discovered that I've only been taking 1/2 the serving I should be of the meal replacement, and I didn't take any fiber supplement yesterday. So I got home, made a smoothie with vanilla rice milk and more powder and fiber and berries and maple syrup, and dinner & lunch tomorrow will be roasted potatoes yams garlic and turkey sausage. El Yum. I am bitchy today and somehow I am doing this damn cleanse and still smoking which kind of negates the whole process, but I keep telling myself I can't quit it all at once. Soon?

day one

Whew. Gritty meal replacement drink (prescribed by doctor) in raspberry kiwi juice with 2 slices gluten free toast and macadamia cashew nut butter for breakfast. Lame flavourless organic japanese green tea with toasted brown rice. Off to work where I watch coffees and blueberry muffins and doritos being consumed without a second thought. Crack open the pitted dates from the health food store and they're all dry and super chewy. Crack open the plain almonds and dig right in. Go to eat my rice crackers and hummous and realize I can't even have the rice crackers, there is corn flour in them for some reason, call my co-worker and ask him to pick up carrots for me on the way in. Crack open the carrots and hummous and realize I shouldn't even be eating that cuz it has lemon juice concentrate in it and say fuck it. For lunch all I stupidly brought and had to eat was a huge container of spaghetti squash. I like spaghetti squash, but there wasn't even butter on it, no dressing no nothing. Hmm. Then I had a banana and a fiji pear and some more gross tea. Got home and I was starving. Had a salmon burger (again breaking the rules with more lemon juice concentrate) on 2 more pieces of gluten free bread no dressing no margerine no nothing, luckily the bread is pretty moist. Then I ended up on the couch with a severly sore gut. It got better and I started investigating what I was going to make for lunch tomorrow, ended up with some black beans and brown rice and stir fried vegetables, but all of my sauces are either soy or tomato based so I'm winging some honey garlic chili powder concoction. I've been cooking for hours tho, and the dishes are going to be a full time job.

the tongue smeller

So I went to a naturopath doctor yesterday to explore my concerns about getting old and unhealthy and she: felt up my thyroid and rubbed cinnamon and vitamin A oil on my palms and probed my gut and looked and smelt (SMELT!) my tongue. And promptly declared me toxic. I started crying and she looked all freaked out and was demanding to know why I was crying. I said "I dunno, it's just weird to hear someone say that you're toxic, it's kind of harsh". and she says "well the real question is why aren't you taking care of yourself?" and I'm thinking... I didn't really think i was doing that bad... I know people that live a lot worse than I do, that's for sure. I work with people that I haven't seen eat a single vegetable in years and eat McDonald's every single day. People with donuts and cookies and potato chips on their desks every day. Anyways I'm going to do a 3 week elimination and liver cleanse diet starting monday and I'm scared shitless (or scared shit-full, more likely) and it's no gluten no dairy no coffee no alcohol no tomatoes no citrus no soy no corn no peanuts no processed meats etc etc etc. Then I read that I can have all the cashew butter I want (so delicious and expensive and delicious) and I got all excited until I realized... what the hell am I going to eat it on? Organic brown rice?

crappy sunglasses