bang bang

re: and so what?

So forgive me if I envy Schmutzie,
capable of writing and delivering a sentence so strong
that it simply just makes you remember this:
"I could find those tiny, translucent snail shells that snap so softly under your thumb that you are surprised every time that someone lived there."

Me? I got a back pocket full of judgement
I've built it up for near a year, see, and
there's room for everyone there. It doesn't matter
if you all get along. Join the party.
Cool kids to the left, those of you with partners to the right.
You will all leave early.
The rest of you are expected to get oh-so-drunk and really really
pretend that the pretty girls don't run the show also
don't ever call out the cock-boys you might just
make them use their brains and therefore, dear margaret,
kill the vibe.

There is a place inside of me that doesn't understand any of this.
There is a place that fights and fights this, that fights
and fights and what do you mean that you "have my back"?
This place that does not get nurtured, this place that even I
dismiss in the name of good times, love, and friendship.
This place that makes me think "Fuck yeah! I'm going to head to
Buffalo Pound Lake for a 10 day retreat and I will eat nothing but
fruit juice and meditate on why exactly it is that my life is shit,
and how it is that the people that supposedly care about me
just build bulletproof cases against me
and whisper when I leave the room.

What does it feel like to say exactly what you feel like saying,
and not have to worry how it's taken, heaven forbid revered?
Seriously, what exactly does that feel like?
I'm real tired of not knowing.

my two least favourite words

"Fabricated bile". Honestly, is that something you want to hear when you're trying to tell someone (that supposedly 'cares' about you) how you feel? Is that even anywhere remotely above the belt? Ouch.

my two favourite words

"Free Shipping". Go here. Order stuff. Get 15% off all regular prices until April 15th, and good sale prices too. I flippin' love free shipping. It's almost the absolute best thing in the entire world. Just about.

under construction

Here's the thing ~ I hate where I am right now. I am under challenged under utilized under appreciated under stimulated under whelmed under joyed under inspired under hopeful under understood under paid under respected and under motivated. And it’s all my fault, and that’s the kicker. I know there is more to life than this. There is way more than just watching tv and going to the stupid bar. So I sent off for volunteer information for Habitat for Humanity (for the 3rd time), it’s something that I’ve wanted to do for years and years but never followed through with. And someone suggested Big Sisters to me, which makes me ponder. And spring has sprung, and that sure helps. I had the strangest dream last night, I was both father and daughter and morphed between the two. My mother in the dream was drugged and depressed. She ran a bath, lay down on the floor beside the tub, and spaced out. The bathtub overflowed, soaked through the floor, and fell through, slicing her arm off in the process. She then fell through the floor and bled to death, because me as a child was not paying attention to her like I should have been. Yeesh.

maggiebaby

I rented Sherrybaby last night starring Maggie Gyllenhaal. It's great. She's great. She had the whole wardrobe/junkie style down pat! The walkman in a paper bag! The tight purple jeans! The crocheted tops! It was schuper. And I'm way too tired today to say much elzzzzzzzzzz

yargh

Isn't there a place you can go where you can magically fix your life and everyone loves you and you're not sad anymore and people are interesting and don't have any issues and no one lets you down and you yourself are strong and healthy and have regular bowel movements and perfect hair and you don't smoke and are able to leave the house and there's always groceries in the fridge and grass in the yard and you're challenged by your job and you like your co-workers and people appreciate you and respect you and your vehicle always has gas and is clean and free of worry and there is always money in the bank and your roof doesn't leak and you always have all the tools you need? Or was that just my dream last night?

nothing says happy birthday like a catfight

For reasons too complicated to get in to, I ended up getting covered in beer and inadvertantly punched in the forehead on my birthday. Ouch. It still hurts. Jenn's right, though, I'll never forget my 33rd...

jesus

I sat outside of your studio for 10 minutes tonight, the least you could have done was wish me a happy birthday.

here I come, 33

For my b'day so far I got my period & the start of a head cold. Score!

my pal tanja

doing her Sports Illustrated Swimwear shoot on the beach in Mexico.

Dear diary...

Fuck you. You never told me it would be this hard. You never told me I'd end up like this, miserable and unfulfilled, 3 days shy of 33. You never said a word about life not being fair, about difficult choices and how difficult they really are. It's supposed to be my week, and I'm supposed to feel great, and mostly I'm just miserable and trying my hardest to find a way through it. Next time could you warn me? Or the next me? Thanks.

2 years after the fact I finally got some shelves for my window nook. I guess that's one good thing. The CD's are at last out of the bookshelf where there are already too many books. And I want a new couch, and I want the ruts on the street to go away already, and I really want things to be different. I need more, life, do you hear me? Hello?

oh no they din't

Yesterday I got the call from Sears that my glasses were in, a few days earlier than expected. I decided I would go pick them up after 6pm when the one woman that has been helpful and kind is working, and I wouldn't have to deal with the manager or the other cow that works there. Show up at 6pm, try them on, yep they look great, but I decide to drive home with the old ones cuz the prescription is quite a bit different and I need to get used to them. Do some more shopping, then come home to watch Survivor and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Vertical streaks in the middle of my lenses? I try cleaning them, no luck. I try cleaning them again, the right side gets a bit better but the left is still streaky. Spend the evening with flashes of light across my eyes from various things. A lighter really shows it best. So now I get to go back downtown, fight for parking, PAY for parking, and do this all again. Oh joy. My last glasses I ended up demanding a full refund for after they fucked them up for 2 1/2 months straight. In other news, I totally scored in my shopping trip. New perfect cardigan/full zip thing I've been looking for for a while now, some great lime green tupperware for $6 including 3 mixing bowls with lids (yes, I'm a geek), and a lovely new bra (ladies ~ $20 boxed bras at Sears, get to it).

d'oh

So as I'm driving home last night from a pal's place, I notice the name "Caledonia" in lights at Bud's. "Wtf?" I think, "it couldn't be". Somehow somewhere I found a song by someone called Caledonia about a year ago and I can't remember how I found it and all I know is that I really love it and I was sure they were from the States and surely the band at Bud's was some local group who inadvertantly has the same name and won't they be surprised and well if it is really them they will be there today cuz the bands at Bud's play Mon-Wed or Thurs-Sat and I'll just check online and IMAGINE MY FUCKING SURPRISE THIS MORNING WHEN CALEDONIA, FROM CANADA, STOPS AT BUD'S ON BROADWAY IN SASKATOON FOR ONLY TWO DAYS AND THEY WON'T BE PLAYING TONIGHT and I could just kick myself. Crap.

to my friend Sam

who had a pretty freaking hard birthday today. I am always here for you and your wonderful son. Anytime, anywhere, anything. Just say the word and I'm there. xoxo.

reason # 271

that I'm a fucking idiot. I bought 4 tickets to Cirque du Soliel for my family to attend the FRIDAY show instead of the SUNDAY show like we need. To be fair, the link on the ticketmaster site was poorly labelled, but still. Like I need anymore reasons to hate myself right now.